Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 Millions will be rescued this week when the Red Cross deploys thousands of desperately needed words to the site of an unspeakable tragedy.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22 You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22 More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22 Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23 Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21 For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19 You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
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